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Lesson 1: Expected pre-game dad behaviour. Dad mode needs to start as soon as your partner is pregnant, not actually after the baby is born. Your extra support is needed straight away. Why you ask? Imagine going through pregnancy? Symptoms of pregnancy are: nausea, vomiting, headaches, dizziness, bloating, fatigue, mood swings, crying, constipation and back pain. Sound bad? That’s just the early symptoms. Wait, it gets worse. You can then add: leg pain, body swelling, aching back, pelvis and hips, stomach pain, heartburn, UTI’s, anaemia and shortness of breath. To top it off your partner has the stress of hoping your baby and the pregnancy is progressing normally and then being anxious or scared of giving birth. All this discomfort and your partner is usually still holding down a job too. To say I respect and admire women through pregnancy is an understatement. Once you receive the amazing news that you are expecting, you need to adjust your train of thought to make your partner as comfortable as possible. You are now: cleaning the house, cooking, doing the shopping, laundry and changing the linen. For not one minute are you going to complain about your extra workload and do not dare expect a pat on the back. This is the least you can do. Illustration – Owen Lindsay Your social calendar now revolves around what your partner wants to do. If you have plans to go out and she doesn’t want to as she is having an off day (which is more than expected when you look at previously mentioned pregnancy symptoms) then you are having a night in. You will show no disappointment in this change of plans either and you may even want to say that you would rather stay home. On these nights in you will do whatever the hell your partner wants to do: if you have to sit through a movie that you despise, let me give you the big tip, you are watching it and making some popcorn too and maybe even giving her a foot massage. A couple of months pre-birth you will get the nest ready. The biggest clean your house will ever receive and this impeccable standard must be maintained on a weekly basis until birth. This will take many hours but there will be pride in what you have achieved and your partner will be grateful for the initiative you have taken in getting the house ready for your new addition. “Throughout pre-birth just remember the sacrifice your partner is making. She is the hero.” Be proud of her and help her through this journey. The least you can do is pick up the slack and alter your lifestyle accordingly. If, for some, reason your partner is pregnant and you have done none of the above, pull your finger out and start making things right!!! PS: mum can pull rank on naming rights too. Deal with it. Dads, get to work!!!! You’re welcome, Symon Jarowyj thewinningdadmanual.com Instagram : @thewinningdadmanual

Everyone loves a visit from Nan. For kids, ‘Nan’s looking after you today’ means surprise candy, story reading and special hugs. For parents, it means the eternal struggle- juggle and daily-dilemma of rising early to make breakfasts, packing lunches, school drop offs, peak-hour traffic, supermarket calls, homework, sports commitments, evening meals, bath time and bedtime is made that much easier. Not all parents have the luxury of frequently calling on grandparents to help them… however, one new Adelaide business is changing that. My Mémère offers all day care, after school care and evening and weekend care for children under the supervision of Nans themselves, because who has more child caring creds than an actual grandmother? Mémère nannies are mothers and grandmothers and have knowledge and experience that only years of spending time with children can bring. While you’re saving some time to balance your lifestyle, My Mémère nannies can run errands, read stories, prepare school lunches and do school pick up/ drop o , in a way than only a nan can. mymemere.com.au

You could be forgiven for having looked at Osher Gunsberg through rose coloured glasses over the last couple of decades. One of Australia’s most loved faces, with a mile-wide grin, gravity defying (occasionally questionable) hair and most recently, the wrangler of the roses for The Bachelor Australia, he’s a guy who, one might assume, had it all. During the height of his career success however, Osher (formerly known as “Andrew G”) was falling apart behind the scenes. Struggling with anxiety, panic attacks, paranoid delusions, weight issues and addiction, things weren’t quite so rosy. Osher has opened up about his ongoing struggle with mental illness in his raw, disarmingly honest and powerful memoir “Back after the Break”, which delves into the complexities of the human mind, how our thoughts drive our behaviour and how the path to positive mental health is challenging, but absolutely possible. We chat with Osher about life with mental illness, being a step dad and (pardon the reckless use of stereotypical reality TV jargon) his journey towards recovery and sharing his story. Can you tell us about the process of writing the book? At what point in your recovery did you decide you were going to write a book about what you’d been through? I’ve been sober for eight and a half years, and it was during the first few years of sobriety that I first learned the power of hearing someone share their story, and the power that I had to share my own story once I was up to it. I noticed that the more authentically I shared my story, the more powerful it was for others. It really helped me when I heard someone else share their story, profoundly, and I just wanted to be a part of doing that for someone else. I’ve found that since writing the book I’m having two main points of feedback, one is “oh wow, except for the interviewing Madonna parts, that’s pretty much how it is for me, I thought it was just me”. The other one is “oh my goodness, my wife or husband or daughter or son or dad has talked about this but I never understood it, until I read this book” and I’m so grateful that that’s the effect the book has had upon people because that is precisely the reason that I wrote it. People all over Instagram are posting images of themselves reading “Back after the Break” which you’ve been reposting in your own Instagram stories. How surreal is that for you, seeing all of these different people, in different parts of Australia or the world, sharing their moments reading your book? It’s pretty interesting. For me, when I see the book in other people’s hands, it is a profound demonstration that thoughts become things. This is beneficial in positive ways in our lives and negative ways. If you have a brain that has a tendency and a great skill for ruminating anxiety, and you then take action based on those thoughts, that will eventually manifest into things based upon those thoughts. If those things are based mostly in fear, then that’s what you’ll end up with. This can be quite negative for you and the people around you. That’s all we really are as humans, the result of repeated habitual actions that we take in any direction. To see my book in the hands of someone on the beach in Rarotonga, it’s incredible. All I did was write it a word at a time, all I did was edit it a word at a time, and then someone hit go on a printing press and a whole bunch of people got enrolled, and it’s extraordinary. We need to appreciate that as humans we have this super power, that we can manifest thoughts into things, and that’s what sets us aside from other species on this planet. We can either create incredible things that benefit each other, or horrible things that can destroy us, our relationships and each other. I’ve definitely experienced both. I’ve experienced the result of when repetitive thoughts manifest into very negative things and then, seeing someone reading my book in Central Park or Croatia on the beach, well that’s pretty good. So, it’s nice that it can work in the other way. How have you found the response to the book thus far? Overall, it’s been extraordinarily positive. I’m very grateful that I’m in a position to do this. I’ve worked for a long time to get to this platform, to have this opportunity now to speak about something that is so important, not just to me, but to everybody. One in four people in this country lives with complex mental illness. That is not necessarily just the people who are living with it in between their ears, but also the people living around them; husbands, wives, fathers, daughters, employers, employees. It’s so important to share this stuff. The reaction can be intense sometimes. I’ve done quite a number of events for the book now and people talk to me about their experiences with mental illness, and it might be the first time they’ve ever disclosed this information to anyone and you’ve got to respect that. I’m a TV host and a broadcaster and a podcaster, not a psychologist, so all I can do is validate and check to make sure people are ok, and I think I’ve done a pretty good job of that. In the book you talked about your experiences as a “fat kid”. Do you think that self-conscious feeling ever really leaves you? It is definitely something that stays with you. Body dysmorphia is a very powerful and strange thing. I was in Weight Watchers when I was 8. Even after being the very first vegan on the cover of Men’s Health and being as ripped as anything on that cover, my wife Audrey will tell you (and she giggles every night when I do it) that I still brush my teeth with my

When two is enough. Picture this: an old home, blooming with character and brimming with stories of the past lives, lived within its walls. A frangipani tree flowers the façade and an old caravan sits patiently in the driveway, awaiting its next adventure. The house nestles snugly into its country landscape while the smell of the nearby ocean fills its red-brick lungs. Three kids play out the back at dusk, swinging on an old tyre hung from a sturdy, old oak tree. Watching on from the kitchen window, Mum and Dad listen to an old vinyl, sip on red wine and make pizzas from scratch to be devoured under moonlight beneath that same Oak tree. Sounds pretty good right? I wrote that description a few years ago before the birth of my first child, in the hopes of manifesting a similar future. I still desire everything that narrative depicts, except one: I am pretty sure that after having two kids, I am well and truly done. The romantic notion of a tribe of five has been stomped on by the beautiful chaos that is two kids. The leap from one child to two has been so much bigger than I ever could have imagined. I have found it so deeply challenging, so utterly exhausting but I have also been left feeling completely content. Sure, the sleepless nights were to be expected but what I was unprepared for was just how relentless this Mothering gig was to become. It Does. Not. Stop. There is zero personal space and zero down time. You are juggling the needs of two (in my case, very different) individuals who completely rely on you for their survival. Getting out the door in the morning is an hour long process that requires supreme negotiation skills, peak cardio fitness and a strong-ass coffee. Juggling naps requires military precision and the bedtime routine will literally have you on your knees. Pass the wine! And just when you think you’ve got them all figured out, they will simultaneously, self-combust in a public place and remind you exactly who is boss. Like I said: deeply challenging and utterly exhausting. But don’t despair. Remember that other thing I said about being completely content? For me, that’s true too. Witnessing my daughter soothe her crying baby brother for the first time with a loving kiss on his forehead will be etched in my mind forever. Seeing the way my son’s face lights up when his big sister enters the room gives me mini heart explosions on the daily. And watching them happily play together and look out for each other while they don’t know I’m looking, makes me so proud to be their Mum. Loving them is easy, but loving me? Not so much. Being a Mother is all-consuming and in these early years of my children’s lives, there has been little time for me. After almost three years of being either pregnant, or breastfeeding, or both, I am ready to start putting a little more time back into loving and caring for myself. I look forward to my body being mine again, to prioritising some much needed alone time and to be able to put some energy into work and projects that light me up. To have a third child would mean putting all of these things on hold and for the sake of my children, my husband and my own mental health, that’s just not a sacrifice I am willing to make. Some families may want more, some families may want less. But for my family, four of us, is just enough. And what about that red wine-sipping, vinyl-listening, pizza-making Mum and Dad I mentioned earlier? Now, it’s their time: to get their groove back, and start dancing in the kitchen again. And as we edge towards our second-born’s first birthday, we are starting to see glimpses of a life less dictated by nap schedules and feed times and more conducive to moonlight dinners and impromptu weekend adventures. Now we just need to buy that caravan. @dannii.odonnell Image by @georgykeenphotography

Why Having a Baby Doesn’t Need to be a Career Speed Bump We are lead to believe that you’re inevitably faced with a choice; motherhood or your career and that popping your career on hiatus is just one of the endless sacrifices you sign up for when you decide to bring life into this world. As someone who is living the shuffle, I can verify that choosing to have a child doesn’t necessarily equate to a career speed bump. It’s a new world out there and now, more than ever, we’re in a position to be able to have our cake and go back for seconds (cos, treat yo self). You might sacrifice your nipples, but you don’t have to sacrifice your career. You might find (like I did), that your career is growing at a time when we’ve been conditioned to think that it should be put on hold or slowing down. From the moment I saw that elusive little plus sign on the pregnancy test, I was giddy with equal parts excitement and nerves about this new chapter. As the reality and morning sickness settled in I soon began thinking,”So what does this mean for my business?” I remember being apprehensive of clients reception to the news. I wanted to reassure them that I was up for the challenge as long as they were happy to back me. Fortunately, the vast majority of them didn’t skip a beat in offering their support and congratulations moving forward. The only ones that did have concern that I would be inept late and post pregnancy were other women. I recall one meeting in particular; “We’ve decided to take marketing in-house. I just think it’s going to be easier once you have a baby. You just won’t be able to cope with the workload.” I remember leaving this conversation feeling incredibly irritated at this patronising assumption and thinking to myself, “Don’t judge my abilities based on your own limitations.” There are a lot of people who will always judge what you can do based on what they can’t do. Why can’t I rock up to a meeting with a baby? Why can’t I continue running a business from home? As pregnancy wears on and your belly pops, you become a pregnant woman. People struggle to identify anything else about you other than your belly. I wanted to remind people that just because you’re pregnant doesn’t meant that you’re incapable of caring about other things. Behind that belly, Reyes and all her knowledge is still in there, she’s just hidden behind a whole lot of baby bump and a handbag full of snacks. During late pregnancy I saw that the Garden of Unearthly Delights was in need of a digital marketing manager. This had been a project I had always wanted to work on. On a whim, I shot through my details and threw my hat into the ring for the job and was shocked to be called up for a meeting. As I went into the meeting; round with the final weeks of pregnancy, waddling, and slightly sweaty, I was delighted to see that the person who I was interviewing with had brought her young son along. This meeting was just the confirmation I needed that this was possible, you just need to surround yourself with the right people. Just like that, I landed one of my most intensive contract clients to date. I was dizzy with excitement (or it was time for a snack, I’m still not sure). Shortly after, I gave birth to Ziggy. Since birth, she has been by my side through everything. As I got into the swing of what a new day in the life of me looked like; (feeding on the go, little hands playing with my face as I discussed marketing plans) I quickly became comfortable with this role as a business owner slash mum. A lot of people say to me, “I don’t know how you do it” but the thing is, both of us don’t know any different. I felt this new confidence; I became more efficient, more hungry, and wanted to do the best and be the best as a way of thanking people for their support. Having a child alters your perception in many ways and certainly provides a great catalyst for reassessing what you want to give your precious time and energy to. As such, you’ll likely find yourself unapologetically prioritising; culling overtime that comes with no reward, bypassing projects that aren’t in line with what is important to you, and find yourself focussing more diligently on what you need to achieve. I feel incredibly privileged to be in the position that I am in and that I didn’t have to make that decision. Although it definitely has its challenges; having the flexibility to build my business and retain my sense of self, while contributing an income to the family is something I am truly grateful for. @thatreyes 

Wanna be a winning dad? There’s now a manual for that, thanks to Symon Jarowyj. It didn’t take long for Symon Jarowyj to realise he didn’t feature high on his daughter’s popularity list. Despite being primary nappy changer during the first six weeks of Neko’s life during his partner Natalie’s recovery from a caesarean, the Grace Emily pub part-owner soon learnt that when it comes to a kid’s priorities, it’s 1) mum, and then 2) everyone else. “When Neko was about two I started realising that whenever my mum or mother-in-law would come over, she’d show a lot more excitement than when I came home from work,” Symon explains. “I was getting a bit jealous and thinking, I’m not even in the top two in popularity anymore! So I started jotting down ideas of ways I could make things around the house more fun for her so she’d think I was a bit less boring. Like if I was doing the washing, I’d be smelling every item of clothing as she passed it to me and saying ‘pooo!’ to her in a really high voice and pulling a funny face or whatever, just to get a giggle.” As Symon’s list grew, chats with punters over the bar revealed more stark lessons all dads must learn in their little ones’ first years of life. The way your car requires a transformation into a fully-equipped baby supply vehicle. How daunting it is to wrap a baby for the first time when bringing them home from hospital. The fact that baby poo, at least initially, isn’t even that bad relative to its reputation. “I started thinking all these things would actually make a pretty funny little book,” Symon says. “Something for other dads to have so they can prepare for what’s coming, you know?” Symon talked the idea through with pub regular and mate, Josh Fanning – publisher of quarterly Adelaide magazine, CityMag – and he was soon onboard. “I liked the idea of a manual that was illustrated to look like an airport emergency landing card – something small and tongue-in-cheek, but something half-serious that identified those areas for dads on how they could do a better job,” Symon says. “Every dad book on the market tends to be 150-plus pages and it’s all good info, but I guess the majority of dads probably don’t really have the attention span. I just wanted something short and sharp that got dads thinking about how you can help out at home and the little things you need to do like cleaning the nest. I never knew about that stuff until my partner told me – like, ‘See this dust? I want it gone’. And you realise that if you clean the nest without your partner asking you, you’re gonna impress them, and she’s gonna think you’re up for the challenge and on the same page as her.” The final piece of the puzzle came last year when Josh introduced Symon to Adelaide illustrator Owen Lindsay, and The Winning Dad Manual was born. “I’d sort of give him an idea of what I wanted, but then Owen’s very clever at adding his own little jokes,” Symon says. “And because he doesn’t have kids he’s very good at giving that single man perspective. He did a cracking job.” Despite the book being a neat 51 pages and relatively light on text, The Winning Dad Manual manages to cram advice to cover all the important periods, from pre-game nerves, to infancy and to toddling. Perhaps more impressively though, it delivers really practical advice with a remarkable strike-rate of genuine lols (the diagrams of a child’s developing brain, for example, are on-point). While Symon doesn’t envisage too many men buying the book for themselves, he instead sees it as the perfect gift for any soon-to-be dad before they’re about to embark on their new adventure. And with daughter Neko having just turned four (and with another baby on the way), he’s clearly an authority on the perilous 0-3 age bracket. Now he’s just got to master the next three years. “We’re gonna do another one for ages three-to-six, so every three years there’ll be an updated manual,” Symon says. The Winning Dad Manual ($10.95) will initially be available at Imprints, Vintage Carousel, Streetlight Adelaide, Eccola and via online shop thewinningdadmanual.com Keep up-to-date with availability and stockists via Instagram @thewinningdadmanual    Images by Meaghan Coles Now and Then Photography

Homemade Sausage Rolls and Tomato Sauce Recipe and images by Annabel Bower Makes 72 1 onion, finely chopped or grated 1/2 sweet potato (300g), grated 1 apple, grated 1 zucchini, grated 1 carrot, grated 1/4 cauliflower, grated or 1 broccoli stalk, grated 1 clove of garlic, crushed 1 tsp cumin, ground (optional) 500g lean beef/ lamb/ pork mince 800g – 1kg sausage mince (from butcher) 6 sheets of shop bought puff pastry 1 egg, separated 1 tbsp sesame seeds Squeeze the excess liquid out of the grated apple, sweet potato and zucchini. Mix with onion, garlic, carrot, cauliflower/broccoli and cumin. Add the 2 minces. Mix thoroughly with your hands. Lay out your 6 sheets of pastry. Cut a centre line down each sheet of pastry to create 2 rectangles (12×24 cm). You will now have 12 pieces of pastry to work with. Brush this centre cut with egg white. Divide the meat + veg mix evenly in neat lines down the centre of your 12 rectangles. Roll the empty pastry over the meat mix tucking the outside edge underneath the edge painted with egg white. Cut each “log” into 6 bite size sausage rolls. Brush the tops with egg yolk and sprinkle with sesame seeds. Bake till crispy and golden at 200 degrees for 20-25 minutes. Make sure the bases aren’t soggy! Can be cooked and then frozen if you’re making them in advance. Homemade Tomato Sauce 1 cup passata 1 apple, peeled and grated 1 tbsp red wine vinegar 2 garlic cloves, crushed 1 tsp Dijon mustard 1 tsp mild paprika Combine all ingredients and simmer for ten minutes. Stir the sides occasionally so that the sauce does not catch and burn. Allow to cool before blending with a stick blender or in a food processor. 
This will keep for up to one week in the fridge. Annabel Bower graduated from the world renowned Ballymaloe Cookery School in Ireland seventeen years ago. Annabel has since worked in events and catering and her present focus is on recipe development and food styling. As a mum of three and a passionate foodie Annabel spends most of her time in the kitchen! Her favourite people to cook for are friends and family and even though like all children her kids won’t eat everything she cooks, she is determined to keep trying and happily share a few of her failsafe, crowd-pleasing recipes with you! For more family friendly recipes follow @foodbyannabel

Keeping kids’ bedrooms or playrooms looking organised and styled is a much easier task if you incorporate functional, fun and stylish storage solutions. Here are Edited Interiors top organisation tips: Categorise toys and group like with like so they are easier to find and easier to put away. Use decorative baskets that tie into the existing styling of the room. Create a bench seat with room for storage underneath. (The Ikea Kallax cube storage is perfect for this). A decorative pillow on top creates extra seating and adds some colour and style the storage cubes underneath with decorative baskets or books. Felt pinboards are a great way to add a pop of colour to the room and are perfect for displaying treasured artworks, notes and photos. Make the most of the space underneath the bed and use trundle storage drawers. Trundle drawers make for a great LEGO storage zone. Add a kid’s dustpan to the drawer to help make the chore of packing up the LEGO at the end of the day more fun for your little one. If budget allows, consider built-in book cases and desks. Use book shelves to display your child’s favourite books. Add a bean bag or floor pillows underneath to create a reading nook or corner. If you have open shelving use baskets and boxes to keep things looking tidy. Make sure you are using the space within your children’s wardrobes effectively. Give the wardrobes an edit and voila: extra space for toys can usually be found. Label boxes and bins so the kids can easily find things and put them away. For more information on styling, and home organisation check out: editedinteriors.com.au @editedinteriors

Thoroughly Modern Mama When Lindy Klim started modelling in the late nineties – her lithe long limbs and exotic looks capturing the essence of modern Australia – she breezily mentioned in one of her very first interviews that she wanted to be a mother. “I want a big, huge family – I want four kids!” she recalls, laughing. Fast forward twenty years and Lindy is not only a mum of four, she is an accomplished businesswoman, fashion designer and the embodiment of modern parenthood. After a highly publicised marriage breakdown to Olympic swimmer Michael Klim, Lindy is happier than she has been in a long time. Together with new partner, property developer Adam Ellis, they welcomed a little girl, Goldie, into the world eight months ago. The newest addition to the Bali-based brood completes the family of photogenic siblings that include Stella, 12, Rocco, 10 and Frankie, 7. Funny and disarmingly honest, Lindy speaks of a very real and relatable kind of family life: the juggle of managing multiple after school activities, navigating a new journey into joint custody arrangements and becoming a blended family. Initially fearful of how it might all work bringing a new baby into the family unit, her fears were allayed the moment Goldie arrived. “Frankie in particular, is ‘obsessed’ with Goldie…but what’s nice is that there’s 3 kids that are the Klim’s, and now we’ve got Goldie and it’s just made our family closer and that’s really lovely,” she says. On being a blended family, Lindy explains they don’t talk about half-siblings, they’re simply brothers and sisters: “…we never say it, we never sort of mention it – sometimes there’s confusion over last names, but we’ll just manage that and get through it,” she says. With Stella approaching her teens, Lindy is parenting at both ends of the spectrum, changing nappies one minute and chaperoning her eldest daughter on her very first date the next. Having Adam step in and take on the role as stepdad has only strengthened their family bond. “Stella’s relationship with Adam is incredible. She’ll often text or call him before me, which is great as I know that sometimes I’m not always the best person to talk to.” she says. While becoming a mother again at 40 is physically more demanding than the first time around, the experience of already being a mother has certainly had its advantages. “When it’s your first, it can be so daunting and terrifying and you just don’t know what to expect. I think it’s been nice for Adam to see how my experience in having three other children before Goldie has made me so relaxed that it’s made it such a nice journey for the both of us.” It certainly hasn’t slowed her down either, with several projects in the pipeline, including her own burgeoning fashion label, Rama Voyage. The collection of dreamy, resort style linen separates are effortlessly wearable and evoke the very global, free spirited lifestyle you imagine her to have. “I want to set a really good example for my children. I want to work, I want things to be a success – I think it’s really important for them to see that. Having another child has definitely given me more courage to get things off the ground.” She has also recently taken on an ambassador role for Peanut, the app that’s just launched in Australia and designed to reflect modern motherhood. Described as ‘Tinder for mums’ it offers a smart, mobile solution to connect mothers during what can be an incredibly isolating experience. It’s a perfect fit for the busy mum, who credits Adam, her mum and support network in Bali as the ‘village’ helping to raise her tiny tribe in what’s been a hectic and intense few years. For now, the family are off on a new adventure together, heading to Europe and will spend time on a boat in Croatia. “Either the best or worst idea ever!” she laughs. With Lindy and Adam designing and building their new family home together and the older children happily attending Bali’s world renowned sustainability-focused Green School, it certainly seems that life really has begun at 40. Now armed with the emotional maturity to live her life with conviction, she’s learned to become more accepting of herself. “It has been difficult and there has been a big change in myself that I’ve noticed since turning 40 and having Goldie. I’ve found it’s better to concentrate on yourself and what your journey is. It’s been a really big lesson for me, but it’s been a really important one,” says Lindy. “I’m the happiest I’ve been in a long time – it shows through the children, it shows through me. It’s beautiful. There’s nothing really worrying or troubling me – I feel really content.” Lindy’s TIPS for travelling with children: – Always make sure all your kids devices are fully charged before leaving! I’ve been caught out on this one before, so now I also like to travel with a power bank too, which is especially handy for any long haul flights. Just make sure you charge that one before leaving too! – Ensure you have downloaded any movies, shows or games fully – not only so they can actually watch in flight, but to avoid any international data shock on your return. – On a long haul flight, I like to pack a surprise small gift I can whip out at some point on the flight when I feel tensions rise. Nothing big, and preferably something relevant to the trip, like a new diary, they can use for the holidays. That way I can encourage them to start on it straight away or distract them, even momentarily. – Always pack spare clothes for everyone on your carry-on. It’s especially true now with Goldie and the myriad of accidents that occur with a baby or toddler, but also if your luggage gets lost or, there are delays and you need to freshen up. – Kid

She was 65. I am 36. In the darkened hours of the night when sleep won’t find me, but tears in the shape and colour of my memories haunt me, I have trawled the internet for articles on how to somehow cope with this so physical a loss of the woman who shaped me. As it happens, there are a lot of women out there on the world wide webstergram who have lost their mums, and yet somehow this is no solace, because when it’s your mum… it’s different. The world is changed. Colour is somehow less vibrant. Laughter slightly more hollow. You keep on going, because you have to, because you too are a mum… and mums never stop being mums. Until all of a sudden, they’re gone. I’ve never been one for advice giving, in fact usually my only recommendation would be to “do the opposite of whatever it is that I decided to do” because mostly, my life decisions land me in awkward social situations, or my skirt flying up on a public road or being heavy-handedly escorted out of McDonalds. But all the articles I have read, written by other women who have lost their mums, were painted with the retrospect of a few months, years even. When people have managed to compose themselves slightly, when the edge of the loss has softened a little, when life has quietly returned and acceptance has been garnered, as much as one ever can. But as I sit here and write this, not quite a week has past since my mum left us, and my pain is still both expansive and suffocating. And, whilst it’s not much, this is what I can offer anyone who, one day, is looking for some midnight solace because all of a sudden they are rudderless in a world where once they were someone’s daughter, and now they are not. 1. Apparently “just fuck me up” is not a proper coffee order at McCafe. #whoknew  2. No one is going to know what to say to you. Because there is no right thing to say. Losing a mother is, broadly speaking, unfamiliar terrain to navigate for women our age, so very few people will be able to offer you anything but commonplace platitudes that won’t seem to scratch the surface of what lies beneath. The person saying them to you usually knows this. It’s just enough that they care and they are trying, because they love you. And it’s that love from those around you that will get you through this. At least that’s what I’m telling myself. For me at least, the first wrong thing anyone said, was to not say anything at all. 3. Strangely enough, there are actually a handful of other wrong things that people might unexpectedly say because, and this comes as no surprise to me, some people are assholes. I had people less than 24 hours after my mum passed asking me what was “going to happen to her body” and “will there be a coronial inquest” (she died of an illness she wasn’t thrown off a cliff). I understand that some people have practical and pragmatic brains. Generally speaking, I don’t like these people. Unfortunately, you can’t avoid everyone you don’t like. 4. When your mum dies, you feel like a child again, and simultaneously like the oldest version of yourself. 5. You just need to do whatever you need to do to keep yourself sane. For me, it’s been camping on the couch in the living room all night watching 90 Day Fiance on catch-up because it’s the only thing in those midnight hours that keeps my thoughts at bay. This may or may not involve double coated Tim Tams. 6. You’ll probably get angry at random stuff. I have found myself yelling at the car radio “I don’t want to listen to this fucking song!!!” which had precisely nothing to do with the program director at 107.1 and everything to do with the fact that I hate the world right now and if that leaves me feeling personally victimised by Post Malone, then so be it. 7. All of a sudden you are a member of a club you didn’t know existed and you never wanted to be a part of. No one’s lining up to be a member of the “lost my mum” club, let me tell ya. And yet somehow this sorority does offer an understanding that even your closest friends might not be able to offer you. And these people know that this pain just doesn’t go away in two weeks. These are the people I imagine myself calling on in a months time, or two months time, when the world has moved forward and I am still somehow struggling with my new reality. 8. You’ll look for signs that she’s still with you. Some days will bring them. Some days won’t. If you’re anything like me, you’ll cling on to every little breath of wind, or rustle in the leaves, or unexpected birdsong that might mean she’s watching over you and saying silently I still see you. I’m still here. 9. There will be gifts that this brings to your life. She will give you these things. Whether it’s that your brother and you will become closer because of it. Whether it’s that it solidifies the love you have for your step father. She will not leave this world for nothing, she will leave knowing these blessings will come in her wake, because she loves you and she’ll never stop making sure you know it. 10. If you have young kids, like I do, you won’t get to just… grieve. Because there are shoes to be put on and lunches to make. Sometimes these distractions will be merciful and other times you’ll wish for just a minute to cry without someone needing you to wipe their ass for them. 11. Your children’s grief will make your heart catch. When your