Get over this idea of an expensive unused gym membership, Eenie Meenie Miney Mum aka Olivia Williams is back to help us with some more realistic New Year’s resolutions.

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So far, only a few days out from the end of 2017, my “don’t have an affair with Chris Hemsworth” resolution is going great! And if I could just manage to stop letting my children get in the way of me eating an entire tub of ice cream in one sitting then I may just realise my dream of being crowned the queen of cellulite. #soclose

Truth be told though, I’m not really much of a new years resolution kind of person, I’m more of a “get really motivated to change my whole life at 2am on a random Thursday” person. So this year I’ve come up with some more realistic New Years resolutions that I might be able to actually keep. You know, things like, get a little bit older. Stand up a little bit more. Sit down a bit more. Breathe a lot. That type of thing. The type of things that, whilst physically and/or mentally demanding, are not completely impossible.

1. Drink more water. Water with coffee in it.

2. Be more spiritual. And by spiritual, I mean drunk.

3. Don’t spend too much time wearing pants.

4. Something something fitness [pizza in my mouth].

5. Don’t get mistaken for Miranda Kerr in public and on the beach [this one is going to be TRICKY but I’m not afraid of a challenge. Unless that challenge is burpees. In which case, no].

6. Focus on the important things; Netflix and avoiding people.

7. Don’t be upsetti. Eat spaghetti.

8. Stop fucking swearing so fucking much.

9. Love myself like Kanye loves Kanye and believe in myself like Kanye believes in Kanye.

10. Pee without an audience, at least once, sometime, in the history of ever.

11. Wear work out clothes and, as such, be one step closer to actually working out.

12. Stay awake when I sit down on the couch.

13. Stop telling the postman too many details about my life.

14. Exercise [my right to eat] more [tacos]

15. Leave the house one Friday night this year.

16. Make a handful of people believe I’m normal before blindsiding them with my real personality.

17. Eat less fondu. #fondont

18. Watch less bananas die in the fruit bowl.

19. More grilled cheese.

20. Be less willing to look ugly in public.

21. Keep being cool as fuck.

22. Give up learning new things because we’ll have google forever.

23. Accept myself for the person I pretend to be.

24. Remember to write 2018 instead of 2017.

25. Stop drinking orange juice after I’ve brushed my teeth. Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.