By Madhavi Nawana Parker, CEO Positive Minds Australia
Every child, whether they say it out loud or not, is trying to answer two big questions: “Who am I?” “Where do I belong?”
While school teaches vital skills like reading, writing, and problem-solving, it doesn’t always help children answer those deeper questions. That’s where extracurricular activities, whether sports, music, art, dance, drama, coding or a part-time job, can be truly powerful.
These activities aren’t just “extras”. They’re often where children discover who they truly are.
When a child finds ‘their thing’
When a child finds an activity they genuinely connect with, you’ll notice a real difference. A child who struggles in the classroom may come alive on the soccer field or in the art studio. A quiet child might suddenly shine in drama class. A restless child may find calm and focus through drawing. This moment is more important than it seems.
Developmentally, children are always building their sense of competence, essentially asking, “Am I good at something?” When they find and stick with an activity they enjoy, they start to think:
- “I can do this”
- “I’m getting better”
- “This is part of who I am”
This builds deep, lasting confidence. It’s not just about being good. It’s about feeling capable.
Why belonging is just as important as skill
Children don’t stick with activities just because they’re good at them. They stay because they feel they belong. Being part of a team, a group, or working toward a shared goal gives children:
- A sense of connection – “These are my people”
- A sense of identity – “I’m a dancer” or “I’m a swimmer”
- A sense of safety – “I know my place here”
Belonging is a basic human need. When children feel accepted and included, they’re more likely to take risks, try new things, and grow.
For some children, especially those who feel different or overlooked in school, an extracurricular activity might be the first place they truly feel seen.
How activities build resilience
Children who have something meaningful outside the classroom often cope better when life gets tough. Why? Because they have:
- A space to build new connections
- A place where they experience success or novelty
- A break from academic pressure
- A reminder that they are more than their performance at school
If school feels tough, they still have a place where they feel capable and valued. This creates emotional balance. A place to reset, reconnect, and rebuild confidence.
It’s not about being the best
Many parents worry about whether their child is ‘good enough’ to continue an activity, but research and experience tell us something important: The benefits don’t come from being the best. They come from being engaged. What matters most is:
- Enjoyment
- Effort
- A sense of progress
- Support from adults
- Connection with others
A child doesn’t need to be the top performer. They just need to feel that what they are doing matters to them.
When a good thing becomes too much
While extracurricular activities can be incredibly positive, they can also become stressful if the balance tips too far.
Sometimes, what starts as a joyful outlet becomes another place where a child feels pressure to perform.
Signs to watch for:
- Your child starts to dread the activity
- They become overly upset about mistakes
- Their self-worth depends on how they perform
- They feel like they ‘can’t stop,’ even if they want to
- The focus shifts from enjoyment to winning or achieving
- They seem disconnected from or disengaged with peers
When this happens, the activity stops supporting identity and starts to limit it. Instead of thinking, “this is something I love,” they begin to think, “this is something I have to succeed at to feel okay.”
Understanding the tipping point
A healthy activity can become stressful when:
- Choice disappears – The child feels forced rather than motivated
- Identity becomes too narrow – They start to believe their value comes only from that activity
- There’s no time to rest – Overscheduling leads to exhaustion and irritability.
- Adult expectations take over – Well-meaning parents or coaches may unintentionally increase pressure.
Children are sensitive to these shifts. Even subtle pressure can change their experience.
Shaping the experience
As parents, we play a powerful role, not only in choosing activities, but in shaping how children feel about them.
Here are practical, evidence-based ways to support your child:
1. Focus on effort, not outcome
Instead of: “Did you win?”
Try: “I loved watching how hard you tried.”
This helps children value persistence over perfection.
2. Protect the joy
Regularly check in: “Are you still enjoying this?”
Enjoyment isn’t a bonus, it’s essential for long-term wellbeing.
3. Give permission to change direction
Children grow and evolve. What they loved at 7 may not fit at 10. Let them know:
- It’s okay to try something new
- It’s okay to stop something that no longer feels right
This builds self-awareness and decision-making confidence.
4. Help them see they are more than one thing
Avoid letting one activity define your child.
Reinforce messages like: “You’re a great swimmer, and you’re also kind, curious, and creative.”
This protects against identity becoming fragile or dependent on performance.
5. Watch their emotional signals
Behaviour often tells you more than words.
Look for:
- Increased irritability
- Avoidance
- Withdrawal
- Changes in mood or behaviour
These may be signs your child is overwhelmed, not unmotivated.
A simple way to think about balance
Healthy extracurricular involvement usually includes three key elements:
Competence – “I’m getting better.”
Connection – “I feel like I belong.”
Choice – “I want to be here.”
When all three are present, children thrive. If one is missing, gently explore what might need adjusting.
Neurodivergent families
If your child is neurodivergent, it’s important to take extra care as a parent not to overload yourself (or your child), with more than is necessary. Your tipping point for overwhelm and overload is often more sensitive, because of the additional layers of complexity that come with neurodivergence. Don’t feel that extracurricular is essential if adding this to your life increases stress. Timing is everything.
The bigger picture
Extracurricular activities don’t just fill time, they help shape identity. Children who have positive, balanced experiences tend to grow into adults who:
- Try new things with confidence
- Build meaningful relationships
- Handle setbacks more effectively
- Define themselves beyond external success
Children don’t just learn skills. They learn who they are becoming.
Three simple takeaways for parents
- Help your child find something that feels like theirs. Not what they’re best at, but what they enjoy enough to keep returning to.
- Pay attention to the shift from joy to pressure. When it stops feeling like a choice, it may be time to reassess.
- Remind your child they are more than any one activity. A strong identity is flexible, not fixed.
At the heart of it, extracurricular activities are not about creating high achievers. They’re about raising children who feel capable, connected, and confident, both inside and outside the classroom. Lastly, remember, extracurricular doesn’t mean it has to be a structured activity outside of home or school, it simply means something beyond the everyday routines.
Wishing you well, from the bottom of my heart.
With love, Madhavi xx
Follow KIDDO on Instagram and Facebook, and subscribe to our weekly newsletter