For expectant parents, there are few bigger decisions than what to name your impending arrival. Their name will serve as a blessing or a curse as they navigate thousands of personal and electronic introductions over their lifetime.
So for their sake, can I advise against a Kristy/Kirsty/Kristen/Kirsten (and related spellings) christening.
You see, this niche nomenclature faces a daily, if not hourly, challenge. And for the rest of us, these names spark social anxiety, confusion and guilt.
I had no idea of the sheer extent of this phenomenon until the fallout from an innocuous conversation on the podcast I started with my daughter so she is forced to talk to me. Among other topics of high cultural significance, we were discussing actress Kristen Bell when I had a mental block as to whether she was instead a Kirsten.
This led me to conclude that I have never, with the exception of my sister Kristy, who I’ve had decades of exposure to, been able to distinguish between these names with any degree of confidence.
Turns out there is a community of us who find the confusion crippling.
Our podcast Instagram page was inundated with shared experiences of those too scared to even attempt to distinguish between these names and their derivatives.
“Those names terrify me,” comments one.
“If your name is Kirsty, Kristy etc then I call you ‘hey,'” says another.
A spray tanner confesses: “That’s me every day with my clients, I call them all love.”
Spare a thought for the woman who shared that she once worked with a Christie, Kirsty and Kiersty in one office.
But our societal struggles pale in comparison to those of the people who walk through life choosing whether to correct those who misname them, or simply accept the curse their parents have bestowed upon them.
“I answer to any iteration of my name or adjacent name,” says one Kristie.
From an ally: “My friend Kristy goes by Kris so people call her the right name.”
One Kirsten shares she has even been called Percy, another Kirsty says she responds to anything starting with K.
One particular Kirstin has given up on her given name after multiple corrections a day, choosing to be referred to by her initials KK.
“I answer to all, even Curtsy which for some reason 80 year olds call me,” says yet another cursed Kirsty.
Others are not so forgiving. One Kirsty has an email folder where she saves the correspondence from anyone who gets it wrong. I’m unsure of the fate she has in store for them.
I don’t blame her for this act of micro-revenge. When you see the name in print there is little excuse to get it wrong.
From another Kirsty: “I had a boss who farewelled me onto maternity leave after ten years of service call me Kristy and the whole staff room yelled out it’s KIRSTY.”
“Even autocorrect has it in for Kirsten, it prefers Kristen,” says a Kirsten.
One Kristy was named Kirsty at birth but when the nurse got it mixed up her parents decided to switch, setting her up for a lifetime of identity confusion.
So what can be done to allow this marginalised group the basic respect of being named correctly? Are there any tricks to distinguishing between these derivatives and their individual owners?
“When I meet a Kristy I visualise a Twistie, when I meet a Kirsty she’s Thirsty,” was one suggestion.
Others went with Frisky Kristy and other more risque rhyming suggestions.
While currently I’m laser focused on justice for the Kristy/Kirsty/Kristen/Kirsten and adjacent names cohort, I wish to also take this opportunity to shine a light on names that can be pronounced in different ways. The Shanas and Danas who will always be associated with either a banana or a strainer by acquaintances desperate for a mental cue.
Not to forget the names of members of our multiculturally diverse community who would face frequent misspellings and mispronunciations. We are all entitled to make mistakes but I’m sure a genuine attempt at accuracy is always appreciated.
So when next we meet constantly-correcting Kristy/Kirsty/Kristen/Kirstens let’s all vow to acknowledge their struggles and try to do better. Even if it means accidentally calling them Twistie in a boardroom.
Bec XXX
Listen to Bec and her daughter Gracie on the In the Genes podcast, available now in your favourite podcast app.
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