Best known for his whip-smart and damn funny stand up comedy, Dave recently hung up the headphones after four years of breakfast radio. He was looking forward to not setting his alarm for 5am and trading sales meeting for regular trips to the local pool. He soon realised you don’t need an alarm to be woken up at the crack of dawn, a one-year-old will do the trick just fine.
After enough nights of rocking an infant at 3am you will start seeing things that aren’t there so like a comedy Hendrix, he’s hoping that he writes his best material when he’s hallucinating. This will be an upside down take on an upside down year – he’s thrown in the security of a regular pay check to head back on the road at precisely the time in life that he should be taking life seriously. Luckily, Dave has never been able to take anything too seriously.
He mightn’t have slept but that will make it all the funnier when he breaks his 3km radius cordon to bring his brand new show to Adelaide, but first Dave tells us five things he’s learnt from being a dad.
5 things I’ve learnt from being a Dad
I’ve been a Dad now for 16 months and counting. Here are 5 things I never realized would happen, but now know that they do.
White t-shirts are a no go.
Let’s be honest it always takes a confident man to wear white anyway (hello sweat patches!) but with a kid you’ll get the entire food pyramid smeared on to your crisp whitey guaranteed. The good thing is after a while you’ll give in to it and people will just think you’re bringing Hypercolour T’s back thanks to the tie dye imprint of Avocado, Vegemite and Spag Bol your child has smeared all over you. Congrats- you’re now a walking hand towel!
Organic fruit and vegetables are far too expensive.
Of course, you have to buy them organic vegetables because they need the best in life. No one likes pesticides!!* (*NB: you secretly do because those bad boys keep the price of produce reasonable and without them a punnet of blueberries is the same cost as a house deposit for a 5 bedroom Sydney waterside mansion).
I love it when I hear parents-to-be say ‘it won’t change my life’.
Of course, it won’t! Keep your 2-door VW Golf GT- the kid can simply be ocky strapped to the roof! The little one will totally understand you’ve been out since 3 in the morn and will sit silently in their cot until you wake for your 11am brunch date! And they’ll definitely understand you have an important workday tomorrow so they won’t wake up teething 4 times in the night and make the following day a nightmarish blur! (Is there a font for sarcasm? Because this entire paragraph could use it)
Daycare is harder to get into than the Illuminati.
They have waiting lists. They are all full to the brim so get in early. And when I say early – I mean it. Ask around before they’re born. Get on the waiting list as soon as your partner has missed her period. Actually, even if you’re single just put their hypothetical name down and even if you don’t find someone in the interim sublet your space out to desperate parents who’ll pay anything for a day of relief.
And lastly; I’ve never loved anything more than I love that little sh!t. That teething, giggling, dirty hands hugging, blue berry eating, not-always-sleeping-well gorgeous little stinker of mine.
Website: Dave Thornton – So What Now