By Rebecca Morse
But I hope it brings us closer. We’ve analysed our relationship like we’ve been in couple’s therapy we didn’t sign up for. And with that has come some sweeping accusations from my first-born.
One of her big calls was that I was “projecting” my mother guilt onto her.
She loves to use expressions she’s seen on TikTok like “projecting” and “protecting my boundaries”, “manifesting abundance” and “daily affirmations”.
She doesn’t like using expressions like, “sure, Mum keeping my room tidy is the least I can do to repay you for raising me”.
So, I have some thoughts on mother guilt as a concept. Strap in.
(A sidenote pre-rant. I recognise that sadly there are some mothers who should feel guilty. The following is directed at the hardworking, loving mums who second-guess themselves every day.)
I refuse to suffer from mother guilt. But it’s not to say I never did. I read back on an interview I did when Grace was little where I confessed to suffering from it. But I think in hindsight I said it because I thought working mothers had to suffer from it to be seen as a good mother who cared about her kids more than her career.
Mother guilt has become a bit like imposter syndrome. Women are always asked about it so we assume we must have it.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not an unfeeling corporate ladder-climbing monster. The first time I dropped Grace at childcare when I was going back to work, I sat and cried in the car. I looked at photos of her on my desk at work all day. I called the childcare centre to check on her.
But that’s not guilt. That’s just love.
Recently, I received a message from a childcare worker who looked after Grace saying she remembered my husband and me as present parents. I cried. There’s not much higher praise.
We can’t let our kids have the power to make us feel guilty.
I don’t advocate for a return to the children-should-be-seen-and-not-heard generation. But the entitlement and the privilege that children have in this generation to judge their parents’ performance has gone too far the other way.
I can’t ever remember giving my mother feedback on her parenting. How often she worked, how often we had holidays or how often we had a babysitter. I certainly wouldn’t have dared critique her rissoles with mashed potato or ham steaks with pineapple. It just never crossed my mind. And I was too busy engaging in imaginative play without technology.
When we’re not copping the judgement from our own kids it’s from other mothers.
I’ve been the subject of judgy schoolyard gossip and had a teacher tell me my hours were not good for me nor my children. (My husband has never been subjected to this kind of scrutiny, naturally.)
So, is it any wonder I felt like maybe I should feel guilty?
Did I mess up from time to time and forget something important? (Like a parent teacher interview) Yes. Did I go back to work when I wasn’t ready to because I was made to feel worried someone else would take my job? Yes. Did I make some of these family sacrifices for jobs that would ultimately not repay that loyalty? Yes. But did I make all of those decisions with the best information I had at the time and the best of intentions? Also, yes.
I did my best. I’m still doing my best. And as I say to my kids now, that’s all anyone can ask of you.
The thing is I love having a career. I love having financial security and I love being a role model to my girls around female empowerment.
It goes without saying I also love being a mother.
And yes, these two things can coexist but never perfectly. And that’s okay.
No judgement. No guilt. Only kindness to ourselves. Repeat after me: no mother guilt.
That’s my daily affirmation!
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